I’m not trying to push you in the direction of dating me. I simply have been trying to go with the flow of things. And the flow is what You do, where you take things. I’m not making any moves because I know the stage you’re in. But, for example, when you’ve wanted to come over and snuggle or you wanted to kiss me or even have sex. I wouldn’t go, “okay yeah!!” I tried to be a bit stand off-ish because I know what we have talked about.
I know more than anything what it means to take time to yourself and grow and learn to be independent. I love you so much and I know that that is what you need most.
But I’m not trying to force you into a direction that is detrimental to what you need. I don’t want you to date when you’re not ready. But it is DAMN hard to resist your efforts (or weak moments) when you become affectionate because I AM ready and I DO love you so it’s hard for me to put up a huge fight. I let you do those things on your own terms because I am human too and I need your love and affection and attention just as much as anyone. It’s hard for me to resist you but I would never try to push you.
I just have a hard time, emotionally, along the way because you’re fighting a battle and when you lose (aka give in and do something affectionate) it fucks with me.
I know the plan. I KNOW you need your time because you need to grow. And like I said before I love you so much and it would be cruel if I deprived you of that.
You are in control and I am at your mercy because I know you’re worth it. And I know that’s scary for you. But loving you has been the scariest thing I have ever had to go through. The heartbreak and the happiness alike. It’s all scary. That’s why I am hurt when you are afraid and don’t want to think of your future. Because to me that is like thinking that the scariness of it all overrides the benefits of being with the woman you love. To me that makes me feel like you don’t think it would be worth it someday.
Because I am scared as fuck and I don’t know what my future holds but all I know is today. All i know is that I want to marry you someday and that this is worth it and that no matter what my future is, or what my past is, I would not do you and our relationship, our friendship, the disservice of ruling out a future simply because I was scared
And I use the term FUTURE loosely. You never know when things might happen. If you aren’t ready, you simply are not ready and that is that. But don’t EVER rule something out because you are unsure of the future and you’re afraid of getting hurt. That fear happens to everyone. You’re never 100% certain. Ever. If you stopped doing things because you were uncertain you would never move on and grow in life. You would never learn new things or get a big boy job in New York City or go abroad. Or even learn to long board or do a back flip off a cliff for the first time if you WEREN’T scared a little bit. Love is no different.
I know you need time but that is my reasoning for my future. THAT is why I still hold on. I love you and I know that someday when you are ready and you have grown and learned and put yourself out there, my fears, every second I have spent putting myself out there by loving you, no matter how scary they are will have been worth it. THAT is what you should be judging your life on. The worth, not a painful and silly thing called fear. Fear is the antagonist of (your)happiness, not anything or anyone else.